fetchez le vache!
Dec. 24th, 2003 08:55 amvia the inimitable tbogg, Secretary of Agriculture Ann Venneman assures us that we're safe from bovine terrorists, unlike the english.


The Santa in the gray furry pimp coat was the first one to spot the target.
"There it is! There it is!" he shouted. "There's the mall!"
"Ho, ho, ho!" shouted another Santa, dressed in fishnet stockings and puffing on a cigar as she drew out her flask of whiskey...
...As they sloshed through Denver for more than 15 hours Saturday, their sacks were stuffed with toys made of disembodied dolls, melted army men and decapitated Barbies with Homer Simpson heads.
Most of the Santas wore cheap suits bought at Wal-Mart and made in China, deviously accessorized over the last few weeks.
Some wore furry platform shoes, others combat boots. One wore little at all.
There were Jewish, Christian and atheist Santas; male and female; Kringles gay and straight.
Saturday afternoon, more than 40 naughty St. Nicks found themselves in the place that has become Santa's second home - one where this bunch is usually unwelcome.
"I'm scared," said one of the Santas as he looked up at the imposing Dillard's entrance, wondering where security people were stationed. "I hate malls."
"Do you think we'll get all the way to see (the mall) Santa this year?" another said.
"I don't care," said a third, as she finished a beer. "I just hope we make it to the bathroom...
...As the sun set, the Santas embraced the dark, planning trips to strip clubs and tequila bars.
"It's lonely at the North Pole," one of them explained.
"Actually," another one explained, "there, we can act out our decadent side without offending anybody."
After they bailed out of the bus once again, headed for a topless joint, one of them left behind a small placard that she had carried during the day.
It had since fallen to the floor of the bus.
Amid the spilled beer and grime, its message was dingy and barely legible:
"Whoever creates the most joy WINS."